So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
