My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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