A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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