I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
