i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i think my mom watched the whole time
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
