Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
