Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
