He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
