i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
