Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
