that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
