There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
