she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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