I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
