my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
