Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
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It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
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Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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