I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
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New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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