omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
