you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
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I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize