OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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