Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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