When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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