that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
