I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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