The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
