I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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