He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
