dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
