the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
