I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
