My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
