I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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