Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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