She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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