apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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