you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
