he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
