just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
