I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
