oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
