This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
