his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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