Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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