from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
