my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
