my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
