i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
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rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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