the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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