I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
