just tell him i said nine months
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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