I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
