I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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