The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
