apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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