Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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