I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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