She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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